This is truly my story of hope, one that will encourage anyone. It starts as a depressing life full of certain destruction by Satan, then leads to a devout Christian state. It shows old sins destroyed, and new faith grown. God can revive us and heal us of anything. And now that I know His love, nothing can get me down. Now that I’ve seen him completely turn me around, I know it’s possible for anyone to change their ways completely, just as I, with His guidance.|
I was born in Atlanta and lived happily until I was sent to Kindergarten. I went to school in Acworth and found many friends at first. By the 1st grade, I lost most of my friends because they became judgmental. They would pick upon me, try to beat me up (Though at that time, I was stronger than the average person my age, so I could defend myself), and just basically call me worthless. I was constantly subjected to insults, people ignoring me, and hating me, all because I was short. This grew worse and worse until I was taken out of school in the 5th grade. See, at the time, I was very social, very outgoing, and not afraid to talk to anyone, though they insulted me.
I was, however, raised as a Christian, though my parents weren’t that diligent.
My Dad had removed me from public school to protect my feelings and self-confidence, but my last impression of society was hate. I was kept alone in my house and somehow ended up in the evil grasp of pornography (which I had touched at the age of 7, but didn‘t get into it really until 7. Take my advice and watch your kids, you never know what they do when they‘re alone). I struggled back and forth with this in weekly “breaks” from it. God was calling me back to Him, but I wouldn’t listen enough to come to Him.
I visited a site known as Gamefaqs under the name “Duo2000,” and would preach to them about porn, and that it’s evil (At the time I hadn’t my current intelligence, nor my refined skills of giving advice and swaying opinions, so “don‘t do it“ was pretty much all I could say). The Atheists rejected everything I said. But I kept on and on. I was still doing porn, but I hated it… it had become like cigarettes; you hate the things, and want to quit, but you aren’t strong enough.
At the age of 13, I moved to another city and found two friends on my street; my only social contacts. They would play games and the like with me, but they would often leave me out of things because I was inferior to them. I would often get excluded from things, and my mental illness had begun to take it’s hold on me, as I’d developed avoidant personality disorder. I was often picked on by them, and shunned by the girls. After having much fun with these friends, but always feeling this sense of “they’re better than you, Chris, you’ll never be like everyone else…”
My Mom, Dad, and I would often go out on the boat in the marsh and fish. I got into a serious work-out routine and became very strong for my age, much more so than anyone else I knew.
They both moved and I was once again alone at 15.
But in-between, my Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer due to his smoking 30 or so years. It was successfully removed and he was able to live.
I was still struggling with porn, as I had since 7 years of age. I had begun to become very unstable. I was both suicidal and homicidal. I had 11 mental illnesses, including an inferiority complex. I felt as though everyone was superior to me, and that I could never have a wife, nor could I ever talk to people, nor could I make anything of myself. I spent every night for an entire month trying to kill myself. I came out with scratches and would often hurt myself to ease my mental pain. I would do this in places that no one would see. I suffered maddening panic attacks every night. My hands would shake, I’d pace back and forth, Narrate my feelings out loud and end up seeing people sitting in chairs, laughing at me. I would fill every chair, couch, or anything someone could sit on with books or something equal. In this way, I couldn’t see people sitting there. That only worked for a few weeks. I would have episodes of what felt like suffocation during panic attacks, and I had a temper that was as easy to set off as bumping into me, saying the wrong word to me, or the like. I developed a perpetual ticked-off mood and would often plan many evil things such as theft (As well as other things I’d like not to remember). I spent all my time talking to myself, my imaginary friends (don't laugh, I'm serious), playing video games, and working out. I'd sit outside every night and think things over, but no amount of thought seemed to help me.
I punched concrete walls and would eventually become so badly immersed in the panic attack that I’d fall to the ground and gasp for breath until I could move without tiring myself out. I also had to hesitate to talk for about 20 minutes before speaking a single word to anyone but my family. Society terrified me. I cried myself to sleep every night.
I then, at 15, kicked the habit of porn and never returned to it, nor did I ever have that warped perspective on women again. I developed very good respect for women, more so than even most of your devout Christians. I used my past with porn to give advice to Atheists and tried to help them get out of it‘s grasp. I never lusted after women afterwards, and I never looked at their bodies when I see them, but their hearts and souls, for that is all that matters. And my body shall not even know the kiss of a woman until I am married, for I consider kissing to be sinful outside of marriage.
Still, though, I felt as though I’d never find love, after all, I was ugly. I was 5’ 1” at 15 years of age, had ugly features, and found it impossible to go out in public for long periods of time without horrible emotional pain from seeing couples, friends, and family walk around; something I never had. I would marvel at the fact that, even though I’d completely overcome lust, and become extremely respectful of women, developed great sensitivity and the like, that I should be alone. I somehow subconsciously thought they rejected me. This was due to my inferiority complex. It all stemmed from the fact that I was born with an inferior body and called worthless for it at a young age. What you hear as a youth, you become.
My Dad became sick with an ulcer, or so he thought, and went to the doctor. His lung cancer had come back, and it was untreatable and spread to his lungs, liver, and other organs. He was given 9 months to live and had until December of 2004. I watched as he slowly progressed and became less and less of himself. At the time I write this, it is December 3rd, and he is very pitiful. I estimate he has but a week or two left.
At around my birthday, July, I was at a site named “Gaia Online,” and I grew extremely upset with the shallowness of the Atheists, the disrespectful attitude towards women, and even more so, the women who put up with it. I preached at them, this time with much better skills than before, but they wouldn’t listen. I went to Deviant Art and started a huge discussion on saving your virginity for marriage there, only a few people agreed, and the rest were so lost that they would just cease to reply if I made a good point against them. I was disgusted with these vile people and decided to see if there were any real Christian teens in the world.
I then came to the website www.christianforums.com and dove into religion around September 21st of 2004. I became a Christian much more zealous than ever before. I became a part of the community and became an advice-giver. My main advice was on not judging others by their appearance, not treating women as bodies, and relationships. Many girls there called me a very respectful, sensitive guy who had a perfect outlook on women. Many girls would IM me, and after discussing things with me, would say that all guys should be like me, and that they wish every guy had the respect for them that I do. Amazing how one can completely change and turn all the way around if he has God, huh? And a mod even complimented me for being so respectful of women (I made a huge post on why women should be treated better than they are treated by the scum that most men are).
I then joined a church and it’s youth group. I became well-acquainted with a girl, Gloria, who caught my eye because of her great outgoing personality. Nick, a friend, told her I wanted to date her. That upset me, as I wanted to be just friends first. However, she said she couldn’t until she was 17, so that was fine with me, I was willing to wait (and besides, if you read my lecture on dating, you‘d see that my way of dating would be no more than a friendship with someone). I then became good friends with her. It was amazing, for the first time in my life, a girl walked up to me! She talked to me instead of anyone else! I felt so moved, like I wasn’t worthless, like I was somehow normal, though I knew better than to get my hopes up.
She and I were good friends for weeks, but I was constantly worried. See, of all the past in my life, the rejection, mental illnesses, and solitude, I’d lost my personality, and had to try and regain my expressions and ability to talk. I had become able to socialize… but I still had a hard time fitting in and expressing myself, so I was afraid she found me boring. She did, though, act as though I was her boyfriend! She would, the first thing she saw me, walk up and talk to me for the whole day! She would sit by me! She would share personal things with me, and even let me take her picture. She even sat with me instead of her parents at the Thanksgiving thing at the church (And yes, her Dad glared at me, I noticed. I’m glad he’s protective, because most men are animals that will use women to get “it,” and if I had a daughter, I’d interrogate and threaten any boy she brought home. I would kill him if he touched her, and if he tried to talk her into giving “it” to him). Luckily, I am a very devout Christian, and I never once have touched the girl, nor will I ever touch any girl in any way more than a hug or shaking of hands, for to do any more would be wrong, in my opinion. I won’t kiss or cuddle, or anything at all until I’m married, this I tell you with all honesty, as I have told Him, and He has commanded me. Read my lecture on kissing and cuddling before marriage, you’ll see why I condemn the act.
I received messages from God at this time… “Don’t look at her as though she is your girlfriend,” “Don’t focus on her, but the Lord,” and “Don’t give so much of your heart to a girl who may not be the one.” I was a fool and disregarded these messages… I was truly saved and became devout before He told me this, see, I truly became devout when God let Satan tempt me into doubting His existence when I had just met Gloria. In this doubt, I felt all the pain, loneliness, and hopelessness of having life without God, and I broke out in tears. God brought me back to Him with a lesson; don’t focus on this girl, because He is much more important than her, and no matter who may or may not love me here, and what I may or may not have here, it will all pass away, while He remains. After this revelation, I felt His spirit fill me and I became zealous to the max. After this, I followed every single command of God’s. I try my best not to sin, and I never say “this once is okay” or “this ain’t that bad, I can do this.” I follow anything He tells me, and anything that’s in the Bible, no matter what I have to sacrifice, period. And never since have I fallen from my zealous state of worship. From this point on, it began to get to where it actually hurts me very badly to even sin once, such as a lie, or even saying “darn.”
Still, when I disregarded what message He sent me that Wednesday, I went to the youth group and two things happened. One, Gloria, the girl I was so attached to, told me she used to have a crush on Richard, and I know she still does, since she constantly talks about him. This struck me in the heart, but I didn’t let her see it. See, I had suspected this, but I passed it off as my usual paranoia… the one time I passed something off as paranoia, it turned out not to be simple suspicion, but truth… After this, if that wasn’t painful enough, her old female friend, Mandy, came back after being gone for a few months, and stole every bit of Gloria’s attention from me. Seeing as Gloria was my only friend, I’d lost both the chance to go out with her someday, and her friendship… this utterly crushed me. Also, when asked if we were unofficially together, Gloria said “Oh, nah.“ At the invitation to pray, I went up to the step and prayed. I cried at this time, but without anyone seeing, and wiped away my tears. I felt like screaming “Why didn’t I listen, God?!“ I prayed that I could be more like Juleigh, Paul, Pete, and the others I so admired from Christian Forums… I also told God that I understood that this was a lesson to me. I told Him I wouldn’t give my love to a girl I hardly knew again, and that I’d treat her as a friend from now on. This hurt, as even now, Gloria is the best girl I’ve ever met. She’s just the nicest, easiest to talk to, and most considerate girl I’ve ever met, though she did ignore me when her friend came… and talks about Richard when she knows I wanted to date her… maybe she isn’t so great after all… maybe she just seems great because she‘s the first girl to ever show me attention? That really hurt me. The wound can heal, but there will always be a scar.
I went home, cried for hours, and went to comfort myself by totally crying out my pain to the Lord. I fell to my knees and said I was so sorry, sorry that I hadn’t listened to Him, that I’d been so foolish and so ignorant. I then, after crying myself to sleep that night, woke up and talked on CF for a while. As usual, God spoke through me to others to give advice, and I learned from what He spoke from within me. I wrote this down and it outlines why God put me through this. O bless the Lord, for He had freed me from my love of this girl, and the foolishness it conveyed:
1. You asked her out before knowing her, which started this off wrong and started the plan of God's.
2. You stressed about Gloria and lost focus on God when around her and after seeing her.
3. When God told you not to treat her as a gf, you refused Him. When He told you not to love her so much, you refused. When He told you not to focus on her and instead Him, you refused.
4. God taught you that you can't be in a relationship without losing focus on Him right now.
5. God showed you that you let your heart go to a girl you hardly knew.
6. God showed you that you are not loyal to Him when around a girl, so you aren't ready.
7. God showed you that you aren't the big man you thought you are, and that a girl can take power over you.
8. God showed you that you were willing to settle since you now see that Gloria has things you don't like about her.
9. God showed you that you did not stick to what you believe because of a girl. For you told yourself that you would kiss Gloria if she wanted to, yet you don't believe in kissing, so you are a hypocrite.
10. God pointed out Gloria is not the one for you, and simply used her without hurting her, to show you that you aren't mature enough to have a girlfriend right now.
11. If you trust God, and He sees fit that you someday marry, He will send you to, or her to you, the perfect wife for you, and you the perfect husband for her, period. So if Gloria is gone, then that means she wasn’t the one. And no longer should you try to find a girl, but let God set it up, for that is the best way. And God will set it up when you are mature enough and strong enough spiritually.
So all in all, He taught me that I was not mature enough mentally or spiritually to have a girl love me at this time. So, knowing this, I shall not date until He gives me the signal, even if that should be years from now, for I shall never again betray Him. He taught me so much with this. I now have a scar, but with it, a memory, and a lesson of God. So we shouldn’t date until we are able to have a loved one and focus on God more than her, until we can listen to God for our decisions, and thought this last one wasn’t one of my problems, until you can look at a girl purely as a person, and not an object. If only men would follow that last one and stop harassing the poor girls. It makes me sick how they just treat girls like trophies, like the rare ones are suddenly something to brag about because you “got” them. Ugh, and the worst part is that so many girls are pressured into this! And so many girls make mistakes because of their boyfriends! It’s so sad… nothing hurts me more than when I hear another girl made the mistake. And all the prettier girls, they get treated like dirt, and their problem is not in finding a guy, but finding a guy who will love them for who they are, not what they are. So many girls have told me how annoying it is that all guys try to do is get into their pants. Love for a body will grow old and die with that body, but love for a mind will grow with that mind. Loving a body is like taking one issue of a magazine and reading it all your life over and over until the text is rubbed off, the pages are ripped and falling out, and it eventually falls to pieces. While love for a mind and soul is like getting the same magazine, but with a new issue every day. In this way, it never gets old, never gets tattered, and the writers of the magazine keep getting more and more detailed, and the articles more interesting; always something new. I’ll date and marry any girl God sends to me, that I find has a perfect personality and I love, regardless of her body. I have NO physical requirements, because physical relations are also not required. I don’t care if she’s fat, deformed, missing arms, has a huge nose, no hair, or what. If God sends her to me, she is fine with me, and her body will become as beautiful to me as her soul, for when you love someone, their body becomes transparent, and all you see is the beauty of their soul shining from within. I’ll never treat my love like other men when I find her. I’ll treat her better than anyone on this world but God, and never make moves on her, nor will I ever think lustfully about her. She’ll be my comfort, and mine hers, and together we will always have someone to turn to for emotional support and help in our lives. But also, if God wishes that I should live alone, then so be it, for as I said, I shall sacrifice anything for my loving Lord whom I’ve devoted everything to now. Sorry for the lecture, but I have strong feelings against the corrupt view so many men have on women, and how they are mistreated, since Satan once tried to turn me into that man (The whole time I did porn, I still had much respect for women, which was why it hurt me to do the stuff… you’d never understand unless you’ve been a victim of Satan and his evil industry).
After this, I preached to my Mom about relationships, and changed her mind about some things (Kissing before marriage, basically. That’s one of my main arguments: that kissing before marriage is wrong) I recovered almost completely in one day from my broken heart and learned that most teens, including myself, are not mature enough to date seriously. And God strengthened me again, so now I am like the others I so admire for their faith. I love the Lord, he rescued me from lust, gave me a perfect view on women, and now killed my “need” for a relationship. And that is to the day that I wrote this bio, but I shall add more later. I now spend from 8am to 5:30pm every day giving advice to other Christians, finding others to pray for, and posting things to strengthen people in their faith on CF. At 8pm to 3am, I do nothing but read the Bible, find verses I can help others with and refer, write lessons and lectures, and work on my Christian site. It’s not a “the more I do this, the more He HAS to love me” thing, but just that I am simply not happy unless I’m constantly deep within my faith and worshipping Him. My favorite thing to do is lead others from lust and to respectful views, and the understanding of how much it pains women to be mistreated. Also, after being saved, I noticed many changes: An incredible disappointment in myself when I sin at all, even if it’s something like saying “blast” to myself. A strong desire to read and Study the Bible, pray, and worship all the time. A strong desire to spread the word, help others grow in Him, and become more faithful. And lastly, an incredible feeling of love for everyone, even those who would curse me for my beliefs. I just want to comfort everyone and make them feel appreciated. Yeah, I have this “hug-syndrome” now, I just want to give out hugs.
I still have PPD (Paranoid personality disorder), APD (Avoidant personality disorder, though it has improved due to Gloria), an inferiority complex (It's awful, I always feel like I'm the stupid one when talking, or that no one could like me more than another person, or that if someone is talking to me, they must be patronizing me. And if they compliment me, they must be kidding, because I'm not worth it.), and OCD (Obsessive compulsive disorder).